Commitment

[Teesy]

I started dating an amazing guy 3 weeks ago. He's 30, gorgeous, studying to be a doctor, different in a good way compared to the past shmoes in my life, the chemistry is great, and we both talk about what a pleasant surprise it was meeting and getting so close so soon. We took things slow, haven't slept together yet. He contacts me every day, which is something that means a lot to me when I am dating someone. He contacts me by phone, email, and text msgs. He talks a lot about how we met, he thinks it was "fate" or "a sign." (He saw my picture on the internet one day, then by coincidence THAT NIGHT he went out with friends to the place where I happen to work. I spotted him and thought he was handsome so I smiled, then he started talking to me. He recognized me from my picture right away and told me about seeing my picture after talking for about a half hour. It was weird.)

Early on, I found out he hasn't been single long. He had a girlfriend this past Christmas and they broke up sometime after that. He was with her a year and a half, but the last year was long distance because he moved to go to medical school. He told me he's always had one girl in his life at a time rather than date around. I made a comment about him possibly being a "serial monogamist," and secretly worried that maybe this wasn't fate at all, I was just the next girl to come along in his life.

During our last date, he said he'd been thinking about my "serial monogamist" comment and he's wondering if he might be one. He said his last 3 relationships pretty much ended because after a year or two, the girl would express the desire to marry, and he had no desire. He then told me he didn't want to hurt a girl like that again, and that he would hate to be with me for two years and then hurt me because he won't want to get married. He even said he thinks he'd rather date around casually than to hurt a girl like that again.

I was really taken aback. I told him if I'm dating someone casually I don't want to be contacted by them every day. And if I AM someone's quasi-girlfriend, I don't want to be told "I want to be with you now, but I don't think I'll ever want to get married." If I stay with him, I'll continue to get emotionally involved all the while knowing it's going nowhere.

There's a part of me, who has been almost completely alone for 3 years now, and doesn't want to be alone anymore. I love how sweet and thoughtful he is, how he contacts me every day, how he plans dates for us, cooks meals for me, has my favorite drinks waiting for me at his house, cuddles me all night, the list goes on. I don't want to let him go. I would love to have a boyfriend even if we broke up in two years for whatever reason.

But to already KNOW that this may not go anywhere, the other part of me thinks why risk getting attached? Sure, maybe knowing going into it, I can try to protect myself from getting too attached, but maybe I won't. I already mistook his talking about our meeting as a "sign" for my being somehow different in his eyes, yet he was still able to tell me he probably won't want to get married. For him to be able to look me in the eyes and tell me he won't want to marry me makes me feel very dispensable, like he's thinking "She'll do for now."

I told him this. He said he made the comment because meeting me was a surprise. He thought after his last relationship he could date casually before meeting someone "like me," but he was wrong. He has the utmost respect for me (because of something else going on which dramatically brought us closer, and he admires the way I handled it), and he would never want to hurt me, "especially me" he said, like he did the other girls. He said I have awoken something inside him that he hasn't felt for a long time (the way he plans out our dates and does things for me...he said he hasn't done things like that for a girl in a long time). That's one of the sweetest things I've been told by a man.

So as you see there's pros and cons. I'm leaning towards continuing seeing him. If you're still reading this novel, what do you think?

[Penny]

He sounds lovely. And Honest.

Why is it that when a man is honest, the thing we ask them to be, someone comes up with a 'hate' phrase like 'serial monogamist' (akin to serial killer) ?

You need to get past the femonazi rubbish that your friends are giving you and ask yourself the deep questions. Like, what are YOU going to do. Like, what do YOU want. Like, how can YOU affect the relationship that belongs to both of you, to help him see the possibilities of your being together. It sounds as though he doesn't need too much convincing. How about you?

[daniella]

i think the same way..

you've been together for 3weeks...and there are more men who don't like the thought of getting married oneday. the fact that he tells u right away is only showing his sincerity. well, thatÄ's what i think from the way u told this..

it really sounds good, and it sounds as if he was doing u good. and if so, why not go for it???

if the relationship is good and you are both happy, then u'll be able towait for him and oneday he might want to marry you, who knows...



be brave, don't let your fears stop you...you might miss a wonderful experience...
daniella

[Sal]

He sounds wonderful and I think you're just over analysing the situation. You've only been with him 3 weeks. Give it some time. In 3 weeks he's been nicer to you than most of the guys I've dated have ever been! Lucky you! Just because he had no desire to marry the other girls he's been with doesn't mean he wont eventually want to marry you. You're jumping way ahead in that respect and you're not like the other girls. You're you. He obviously sees something in you that he really likes and he thinks you're special. Go with it and enjoy it! Don't tarnish it by having all of these unreasonable doubts so early in the game.

You don't know that the relationship may not go anywhere. How could you when you've only just begun? Be thankful that he didn't marry any of the others or you wouldn't have him now!

I really don't see any cons here except for the ones you've made up in your mind. There are only pros. He sounds like a caring, unselfish, sensitive, respectful, patient and loving man who's going to be a doctor one day and who seems to think you're the best thing since sliced bread. How can you find any cons in that?????