No more Sex WHY

[T Bar]

My partner of 4 yrs has since the start of the year just stopped being interested in sex. He says he just can't be bothered and has no desire to do anything at all. He does like the occasional bj so I know he's not entirely cold but does nothing for me at all. He says he loves me, it's nothing to do with me, no I'm not fat, no I'm not undesirable, he just doesn't want sex. He says it's stress and money problems, we haven't got any. We are selling a house which will enable us to buy one together for cash so no mortgage. I feel we should deal with any problems together as a team. I'm afraid this is going to push us apart, and of course despite what he says I do feel very rejected. No point in trying the sexy underwear, toys etc, they've never did work for him. We've always had a good sexlife. I don't believe he's having an affair either when he did that in the past his guilt meant he was more up for it! Do I just get on with the rest of our life and ignore it? Perhaps it'll come back but he won't talk about it any more he says I'm attacking him ands he gets very angry. Practical advice might help. I'm in my late 30s he's in mid-late 20s. We both have our own businesses, and he lives with me.

[Guest]

I Myself have the same problem as you.
My partner and i have been together for 13 years we have 2 children and we used to have a very healthy sex life.
A few years ago the sex started to be few and for between.
first it was once every three months and then once every six months.
This year I waited for nine months without sex and i got frustrated so i started haveing an afair. The sex is great and the other guy cant get enough of me.
Id say you need to sort out your problem before going further into the relationship. It will drag you down and I get very depressed at times because i feel unwanted and unloved by my partner. My lover makes me feel confident , wanted and alive.
I am thinking about splitting with my partner now because ialthough i still love him I do not think we have a future together. :( :?

[Sandy]

If he really is unwilling to work at it and get angry with you thins isn’t very fair, I can only think of either counselling – which I don’t think he would go to but you would still probably benefit from going on your own, or a trial separation. Mentioning a separation might jolt him into recognising that this is a real problem, however be careful because separations can back fire and he might just go “o.k. fine”, but then if he did that would you want to be with him anyway?

It depends if you think you can live a sexless life or not, I wouldn’t advocate an affair, I always think you should split up first.

I really do feel for you and wish I could be of more help, let us know how things go

[GuestUK]

You may we find that he is just a bit bored. Having the same sex with the same person, even though still nice will eventually become a bit dull. Like having for fave food 1,000 times, you still like it but aren't hassled if you have it or not.

Try to introduce some variety, discuss your fantasies if you have them and get him to talk about his. Make it open and none judgemental so you can talk about anything, no matter how wild. With luck you will be able to play act or act them out if they match. He may take some convincing that you won't judge him and you have to trust him too. They are of course just that.

Ask him what he would like you to wear or what you would like him to wear.... just spice up your life a bit.

If it drags on for too long either you or he will stray, which would be a shame.

[ShaunyPie]

Hi. Sorry to hear of your dilema here.

The only thing I can offer is to try and make him a little jealous. I don't mean this in the affair sense or the like, but with your female friends.
For example, arrange to go out a night or two a week with a group of girl friends to the cinema, a meal out or just to the pub, but dress nicely to catch his eye and get him wondering. When you disappear off in a good mood with g/friends all he can do is miss out on the fun! Just be careful and weigh up the situation.

ShaunyPie

[Good Witch]

Shaunypie has the right idea, just becareful. It seems to me that you are not really sure what is going on in his head. My friend tried this route and it worked out worse. He felt that since she really didnt care either than it was not really a problem that he did it. Basically it gives him the feeling that you have moved on and passed it. its a 50/50 shot. But one thing for sure is that you need to make sure hes not having an affair. (that was my first thought) and if not then let him know exactly how it hurts and your willingness to help. good luck.

[Guest]

This is one of those topics where people forget that its men that are usually faced with the problem of a cold sexless wife. Not for them the advice to have an affair. What sort of person 'waits 9 months' without. Is it beyond women to initiate? The idea that being wanted and desired is only one way comes through too in some of the posts. Do you think men do not want to feel desired too?

Sexless marriages usually boil down to a rigid expectation on the woman's part that it is they who need to be desired and made love to. The men have to do the work and if they don't its his fault. Just getting kitted out in sexy undied is not going to make him feel desired. It just focuses attention of her agian and syas his feeling don't matter.

Its high time you two went to see someone qualified about the problem instead of asking others over the back fence - even a cyber back fence.

The closest anyone here has got is the analogy to eating fave food all the time. Even that can continue if the eater feels honoured. But when she complains over the fence to any old bodies in earshot, he ain't gonna feel loved and repected, now is he?

[USA guy]

The fact that he still likes an occasional bj means he just might have switched sides... Does he still go out with male friends? Check his underwear for stains after a night out with the boys. Some gays do get married to have a straight show for the outside world.

or... he could have a medical problem.

It isn't natural for men to lose their sex drive unless they are seriously put off by something.