Why do I feel so guilty when I've done nothing wrong?....

friendlyone

I joined a dating agency last year and just before my membership ran out, a woman emailed me who found me on her contact list.

She, in her message told me about herself and pointed out that she is size 20 plus and has a hang up and low self esteem about it.

I truthfully replied saying I'd love to meet her and her size is not an issue for me, but her low self esteem may be.

I met her, she is attractive, warm friendly and we get on well.

I've seen her several times.

She on several occasions has told me she does not feel attractive and has a hang up and would still not entirely like herself if she was smaller.

I've told her the truth, that although we have only met two or three times, I'd love us to remain good friends, but know I cannot see a relationship with hang ups as a previous partner had a similar hang up and I could not handle it.

She too, has had her confidence knocked by meeting guys who have ended up friends, rather than partners.

On telling her, she was fine and said she is great, values my honesty and wants me as a friend too! Bearing in mind we only met a week ago.

After seeing her tonight, she emailed me to say she is now feeling fragile and a little upset, because she feels she will never find the right partner.

We are remaining good friends, but I feel so guilty although we've truthfully told each other how we feel.

Am I to blame?

ChefLyn

No you acted like the perfect Gent. Personally I dont think the girl should spewing all her feeling out to you after meeting a week ago!

Tread carefully but your not to blame

friendlyone · Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 4:06 pm Post subject: Thank you Cheflyn.....

Maybe I'm to blame for sending out mixed signals and have admitted it, but I told this woman, when asked, that she was attractive, which is true, and gave her a hug, being the softie I am. (Maybe not a smart move).

She also has a 6yr old daughter who she introduced to me, (her idea) on the second time we met.

Her daughter and I hit it straight off.

In just one week, she had me meet her daughter 4 times....Too much too soon in my opinion.

Last night, she text me to say she was happy being just friends, but today she text me saying we obviously want different things. Blimey. Call me old fashioned, but knowing if you want to be friends with someone in a week is normal, but not whether you want a relationship!

I said I'd like to remain friends with her and her daughter and she replied saying she cannot promise how long she'd be okay with that, due to her emotions.

She also said she is now in the position where her daughter has met me and if I do not see her again, she will be deprived and if I continue seeing her, she is scared I may upset her daughter in the future.

I told a couple of close friends about this today and they feel I AM NOT AT FAULT and in a way need to put my feelings first.

friendlyone · Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 8:29 am Post subject: Someone please advise....

Arrived home last night to find phone calls, emails and texts to say her daughter has never stopped talking about me and they want me to visit on New Year's Eve. Also not to let them down.

I feel uncomfortable now as I know she wants more than a friendship already.

StraightMale · Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2004 2:41 pm Post subject: Re: Someone please advise....

I've had something like this myself, a long time back. I was honest as I could be and refused to let myself get more involved than my feelings and intellect said was right for me. There came a time when the woman was wanting some involvement from me that I flat-out refused and she broke off the relationship entirely. Had she given me time, my feelings for her could have grown but she was far too desperate. (Years later, she wrote to me saying she would be interested in meeting me but since I was involved with someone at the time, I never replied.)

Looking back on how I behaved with her, I feel happy with myself and am more sure than ever that how I handled things was the only honourable route and the only way that might have led to a relationship had she not been so pushy.

So I advise you to be honest with her about how you feel. Tell her to slow down and give you time (being sure not to indicate that time will necessarily mean you will come to love her at all). If she ends it, it may be her loss but it won't be yours, nor could you be blamed for anything.

friendlyone

Although I only met this woman a week ago and met her daughter 3 or 4 times, she is constantly telling me how attached her daughter is to me and constantly talks about me. Apparently, several men have left her daughter's life and she'd hate me to do the same.

I told her I need time and have been honest about wanting a friendship instead of a relationship.

Not ashamed to admit this, but I'm 37 years old, feel guilty, scared and have cried about this.

I've just emailed this woman and told her I need time and although she does not feel things have moved too fast, too soon I do!

Am I doing the right thing? A friend reckons she is mentioning her young daughter to get me to keep in touch.

StraightMale

friendlyone · Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2005 8:07 am Post subject: StraightMale....

Thanks.

I used my computer last night and got a long email from her, plus an ecard from her girl saying how she misses me!

Meybe a bad move, but I replied saying she'd better be sure we could just be friends and no more and took your advice telling her I need time, a lot of it, and told her I'd appreciate less contact, as I rarely email or visit very close friends.

She has promised to comply, but feels hurt.

Yes, I told a mate about this and he said she is mentioning her daughter as emotional blackmail.

What started out as a quick email to tell her this, turned out to be a long email session with her telling me she does not like herself and now realises she is not ready for a relationship.

I feel uneasy about opening my email account or answering the phone because of this.

Sad

I appreciate you help.

Should I let a couple of weeks go by and see how I feel?

StraightMale · Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2005 2:58 pm Post subject: Re: StraightMale....

ali_mon_x · Joined: 08 Sep 2004 Posts: 3440 Location: Norfolk, England

How old's the daughter?

friendlyone

thinking about this.

Friends would be fine, but I, in the future may still be unsure, thinking what she wants and knowing it is partly because of her daughter.

I'm in one of those 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' situations.

I know I've done nothing wrong, but I'm scared of making things worse.

friendlyone · Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2005 6:06 pm Post subject: Ali Mon x.....

The daughter is 6.

paganidolatry · Hello. I am New! Talk to Me Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 12

you didn't do anything wrong. it sounds like this woman is in a very emotionally desperate state compunded by the fact that she has a young child with what sounds like no male role model in her life. i would guess that she has been burnt by men badly in the past, and is now no longer just looking for a friend, but mate material and surrogate father for her child as well. you say your are 37, is she close in age to you? i would keep my distance, be as friendly as possible, but go no further or bad S*** will happen.

friendlyone

constantly mentions how she is still hurting over a friend, not lover, she had, who stopped seeing her, although she only got to know him over a two month period.

I don't know what to do for the best....I'd be happy as just friends, if, and only if I knew she is and will be too!

She says she is happy with it, but cannot promise for how long and I have my doubts myself.

cali