Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2007 3:15 am Post subject: The New Marriage: female polygamy
Quote:
The New Marriage: female polygamy by Dr Susan Gower
After studying human sexuality for many years it has become inarguable that more and more couples are choosing a relationship in which the wife engages in sexual activity with a variety of men while her husband remains faithful. I have witnessed this form of relationship helping to save– not ruin – many marriages.
Psychologically, women are hardwired differently than men. A woman has a dual sex drive. The first is centered on finding a mate for life to help support her and her offspring. This is why (and when) love is such an important part of a women's sexual desire. The second is a desire to obtain a variety of the best genetic material to produce the best children. This second desire begins to grow once a woman has found her life mate and grows stronger as time with him progresses. Eventually, this later and more powerful drive overpowers her sexual desire for her life mate. This is why a woman's sexual desire for her husband diminishes over time.
At the same time her sexual desire for other men is increasing. Often this desire for other men becomes so strong she cannot deny it. This does not make her immoral or mean that she no longer loves her husband. It is simply part of her genetic code.
As a result, a woman's increasing sexual appetite, due to her biologically age based sex drive, gives her greater sexual needs than her husband. She needs more sexual encounters, longer sexual encounters and more orgasms than her spouse isa able to provide. Her older or same-age husband, on the other hand, wants sex far less than his wife, oftentimes lasts only a few minutes before he reaches orgasm and is then no longer interested in sex. As a marriage continues this discrepancy in sexual needs increases dramatically, usually to the breaking point of a wife secretly finding a lover or lovers outside the marriage. This is usually the point when patients consult me.
Compounding these factors is that nature has not only given women a two prong and exponentially stronger sex drive than men, it has also given women the ability to experience a far greater quantity, intensity, and variety of sexual pleasure and orgasm than men. This is nature's way of motivating a woman to seek out sexual activity considering the risk she bears in doing so. (Even though today's contraceptives greatly reduce these risks, they do nothing to diminish the internal triggers that drive a woman's need for a variety of sex and sex partners. If anything, this reduction of risk intensifies her drive to seek pleasure.)
As a result, women can experience a wide range and intensity of sexual pleasure and diversity of orgasm. Besides the pleasure and orgasms derived from manual, oral and coital stimulation of a woman's clitoris, all three of which feel distinctly different, a woman can reach a completely different sensation of pleasure. This variety is obviously best accomplished by the use of multiple sexual partners.
Men, on the other hand, are far simpler sexually. Stimulate their glans (the little patch of skin at the front of the penis just below it's head) and they ejaculate. Furthermore, men can get nearly the same level of satisfaction from masturbating as the do completing a sex act with a woman. The male also has a much simpler sex drive than a woman. He simply wants to mate with any female he finds desirable. The longer he is denied sex, the stronger his desire grows and the criterion by which he finds a woman desirable lowers.
Since it is for the woman who decides if he will be allowed to have sex with her or not, his desire for her sexually is also linked to the desire for her approval. As he becomes more interested in her the desire to please her as a way to get sex can become overwhelming for him. That is why you will often see men acting foolishly in front of females they desire, even though they have no chance to have sex with them.
My experience with couples therapy has shown me that, although women are biologically designed for multiple partners, allowing men to have multiple partners is almost always bad idea. Interviews with couples in ‘open marriages’ have shown that these marriages almost always lead to a competition between the two spouses regarding who is having more sex with more partners. A wife will always win this competition because it is much easier for a woman to find sexual partners than it is for a man. The competition, however, can become nasty, ugly and often cruel. A wife will sometimes be drawn into the competition so deeply she will have sex with far more men than she wishes too, and her husband will have growing feelings of inadequacy, as he cannot keep up with his wife. This kind of competition almost always destroys a relationship.
The idea of open marriage also assumes the erroneous notion that men need a variety of sex partners. While all evidence indicates that a married woman both physiologically and psychologically does need a variety of sexual partners, a married man does not. The genetic code that drives a man is the thrill of pursuit, not the need for variety. Husbands in clinical studies who's desire for their wives have waned and who's interest have turned to other women have been completely turned around when their wives begin using arousal and sex-denial techniques on them. These techniques instill uncertainty in the husband as to whether he will be allowed to complete a sex act with her or not. Time after time, in study after study, these husband's desires have been focused back to their wives exclusively, losing all interest in other women. The wives in these studies were even able to vary their husband's level of interest through increasing or decreasing their application of arousal and sex-denial techniques.
Unsurprisingly, since human societal structures were originally matriarchal, societies that still live today in ways closer to our original female and male roles do not suffer from the damages of psychological and physiological stress. In these more basic societies, far from the modern world, are nearly always matriarchal and it is the women in these societies who control property, family affairs and sexual activity.
These women will usually have multiple husbands and lovers. One or two of these men provide them with food, shelter and security, while the others provide them with sex. In these societies there is no violence, crime, or sexual perversion. Men are focused on pleasing their wives instead of impressing other women in the group or competing with other men, except in the area of being good sex providers. Wives will keep this competition light and fun and ongoing. Men focused on this kind of competition do not compete with each other in other ways either, leading to much stronger male/male friendships and cooperation.
An unlikely place further confirmation of the appropriateness of cuckolding in human bonding relationships was discovered in the findings of primate studies. In one study, researchers found two anatomical influencers of fidelity in primates. One was the physical size difference between the sexes. The other was the male's ratio of penis size to body mass.
It was found that in those species of primates where the female was considerably larger than the male, the female would have many sexual partners and bond with none. As female/male size became closer, the female would bond with one male. This male would remain faithful to her, but she would continue to have sex with non-bonded males. It was found that this was not reversed until the male became extremely larger than the female.
The second influencer the researchers discovered was the ratio of penis size to body mass. In species where the difference in physical size between the sexes was slight, (as it is in humans) the penis to body size ratio increased female sexual behavior. The smaller the penis to body size, the more bonded males were restricted to activity with only their mate while females would engage in sexual activity with a variety of non-bonded males. Within these groups, females would generally bond with males with smaller penises and engage in sexual activity with better-endowed, non-bonded males. The most common activity between females and their mates was grooming and eating, with the far greater amount of sexual activity occurring between mated females and males other than their mates. Neither mated nor non-mated females would engage in sexual activity with bonded males who were not their own mates. The most frequent sexual activity of bonded males was masturbation.
This study particularly intrigued me because it's findings correlated so closely with my own experiences. Among my patients, husbands with smaller penises were not only more agreeable to being cuckolded, but would even sometimes suggest it. These very enlightened, lesser-endowed, husbands were keenly aware of their inability to satisfy their wives sexually. By accepting their wives engaging in sex with other men they were relieved of the pressure to perform.
Also interesting is that women, like other primate females, will rarely engage in sex with married men. A husband's wedding band makes for a fairly efficient chastity device.. A wife's wedding band, however, does little and sometimes even encourages pursuit by men. This further illustrates that the innate human proclivity for cuckold relationships goes genetically even deeper.
Just as our modern lives preventing us from responding to our need to express our flight or fight response leads to stress, and our turning from whole foods to processed foods give us all sorts of physical ailments, our denial of our natural sexual programming leads to untold emotional and behavioral problems.
It would startle the average person to learn how many divorces are caused by the inequity of a woman's unfulfilled sexual needs. In an effort to protect the man from humiliation it is rarely mentioned in polite society that the reason for a couple's divorce was because the wife was finding sexual satisfaction outside their marriage. If we could be open and honest about a women's needs, and that it is not the fault of their husbands that they need to fulfill those needs outside their marriages, then maybe we could begin to embrace cuckoldry as a healthy societal norm and save far more marriages.
I have seen many marriages saved by the acceptance of the practice of cuckoldry, rather than viewing it as a grounds for divorce. I have seen in my own female patients that once they start to engage in sex outside their marriage - with the acceptance of their husbands and the security that their husbands will remain faithful - they become more centered, calm and confident. Similarly, once their husbands get past their jealous feelings and fear of inadequacy they become calmer and more mature, no longer engaging in childish macho behavior like obsession with sports. They even loose their interest in pornography as their wives recounting of their extramarital exploits, or their participation in those exploits, becomes much more titillating to them than the artificial titillation of pornography.
When my female clients add the uncertainty principle of arousal and denial to their cuckold marriage a woman can bring her husband back to the days when they were first dating. Husbands become more focused on their wives and no longer suffer the frustrating feelings caused by a desire for unattainable women.
she doesn't say how many men accept a cuckold marriage....i wud bet it's very, very few....why wud a man stay married to a woman who sleeps around and denies her hubby sex and expects the hubby to stay faithful?
It's obviously been written by someone with an agenda. I get turned on at the whole cuckold thing, but even I admit it's just a fantasy and not a basis fo r the reconstruction of society.
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