My relationship- HELP

[dougal_maguire]

I was with my partner for the last 13 years, until she dumped me 6 days before xmas.

When we met, she was 16 and i was 20... We had out first break up after about a year. Months later we got back together after her sister pointed out to her that she missed me and dont you think its worth trying again. We split again 4 years ago just before we discovered she was pregnant with our first child. Luckilly we managed to get back together about 2 months before the birth. And we were together ever since. It came out of the blue when she broke up with me... She said even you must have noticed it was'nt right these last few months. I was oblivious to it. We rowed as any couple does...
She wont talk about it "just yet". Has made a decision that she doesnt want a relationship with me "at the moment". She says she doesnt hate me, still has feelings for me, but as a father to our child. She has also said she might feel differently in a month or so...

What is going on?

Ive told her I still love her and want to be with her and that I still care, she says she knows but shes made a decision and shes happy with it. Im here breaking down all the time where as she is as cool as a cucumber..

I want her back.. its all I want in my life....


Update


If someone tells you, they are not going out with someone, but they are seeing them, isnt that the same damn thing.

We have been split now for just over two weeks... I had my suspicions she was seeing someone, but she denied it. I found text messages, she denied it still.

I continue to ask if there is someone else, she says no... until tonight.

Im not gonna lie to you she says but im seeing him. Im not going out with him though!

She kept telling me since the split, that she doesnt want to be in another relationship. Then she says this!

Help

[Obvious]

IMHO
Seeing him = shagging him
Although she's not going out with him, so it's just sex then.
Forget about her - if she cared she wouldn't have left.
It's a hell of an arse-ache getting over any loss, but what can you do ?

[dougal_maguire]

she split up with me 6 days before xmas. She let me stay xmas eve though so i could wake up with my little girl.
She hardly ever shagged me, so i dont think she is shagging this guy, she assured me she was'nt anyway, and despite of what has happened, i believe her.
I want her back, but she says never. 13 years we were together, am i flogging a dead horse, or should i hang in there.

[Obvious]

Not being one to mince my words, in your own words I think you are flogging a dead horse.
It's sounds to me like your relationship was one sided. You did the giving, she the taking.

How many times did she spotaneously show you any affection or hug you ?
Not just when she wanted something - but just cos she could ?

If you can count the numer of times on just your fingers, then she didn't love you as much as you loved her. Most relationships are one sided, either you love your partner fully or they love you fully. Rarely do you get mutual unconditional love between 2 ppl. I've been in love more often than been loved, but I have yet to experience full mutual love. Perhaps you will in your next relationship ? Sorry to sound harsh, but you won't in your current.

[dougal_maguire]

there is no current...

she says she has no feelings for me anymore... doesnt know why she just doesnt.

I was always telling her i loved her, but you are right, didnt get it said back...

i dont want to give in, but i think I know she aint gonna have me back.

its my 4 year old i feel sorry for.

[MarriedMom]

You started seeing her when she was 16, and now she's almost 30? Well, you have to consider something here. When a young girl "falls in love" it is much different than when a mature woman falls in love. Young girls have a tendency to be sucked in by the "romantic fairy tale" aspect of a relationship. You developed a relationship with her when she was in that mind set, and now that she is almost 30 (a hard age for any women to hit) she sees things differently. She's possibly having regrets for not having as much experience in life as she felt she should have when she was younger. She's seeing herself reach an age where most women consider their youth to be fading, and she's wanting to experience what else is out there. Let's face it, society teaches women that they are in their prime when they are in their teens and twenties. She is probably scared about losing that, and has decided she wants a slice of life that she never had before it's "too late" for her.

I'm sure you two had genuine affection for each other at one time. But it may not be the type of relationship that she feels she needs NOW. Then maybe, but not now. I too got married way too young. Had a baby when I was 18, and ended up realizing all of the things I had missed out on. I couldn't go back and change what happened, but I knew in order to be truly happy, I had to get out of my failing relationship and experience things more so that I could learn more about who I was, what I was capable of and what I truly wanted for myself in the future. This is why men need to seriously rethink their actions before they become seriously involved with a younger girl (teenager anyway). They aren't ready for a commited relationship on an emotional level, but the sad thing is, most of them don't realize that until much later on down the road, after they have made some drastic decisions in their lives (getting married too soon and having children).

I know it is hard, and what I'm saying will more than likely not console you or help you understand the situation any more than you already do. But speaking from experience, I can see why she is taking such "out of the ordinary" actions. I myself am turning 28 this month, and as much as I love my husband (he's my 2nd, and we've been married almost a year) I still have the little "what if's" in the back of my mind. It's not because I doubt our relationship or his love for me, it's because I see myself turning 30 soon, and I instinctually think, "This is it. I'm passing my prime as we speak."

In short, the love she had for you a long time ago is different from what she feels she wants now. Over the years, she has matured quite a bit both mentally and physically. It's not to say that she NEVER loved you, but that she has outgrown the type of love that she once felt for you. She's doubting the decisions she has made in her life, quite possibly regretting them, and is trying to find herself through other life experiences. It's bound to happen when a girl gets involved at such a young age. Do some research and look at the high rate of divorce for women who got married in their teens. God knows I'm one of those figures.

I'm sorry for your pain, and in all honesty, there really probably isn't much you can do. I believe she might have outgrown your relationship a long time ago, but is just now acting on it due to shame, or because she didn't want to risk breaking up your family. This could be something she has been thinking about doing for a long time.

All I can say is move on, stay away from teenaged girls from now on, and be a damn good daddy to that little girl of yours. Things happen for a reason, IMO, and I believe you were meant to suffer through this experience only so that you could learn to be not only a stronger person, but a better father as well. Hang in there, friend.

MM

[dougal_maguire]

she was 16 yes... but i was only 20.... there is just over 3 and a half years between us..

We were both first time relationships, we lost our virginity together

I just didnt see it coming... I love her dearly and I want her back in my life

[MarriedMom]

she was 16 yes... but i was only 20.... there is just over 3 and a half years between us..

It doesn't matter if you were the same age or if you were 20 years older than her. She was just too young to get involved in a heavily involved relationship, IMO.

We were both first time relationships, we lost our virginity together

That speaks volumes my friend. She never had any other serious relationships other than you? That should tell you she never got to experience a variety of relationships when she was younger. Being in several relationships, whether they be good ones or bad ones, teaches a person A LOT about what they really want out of a relationship. We all learn through experience, and she was lacking in that department. She has probably been questioning what else was out there for her for quite a long time.

As far as you wanting her back, you have to accept the fact that that may never happen. She sounds like she may be somewhat wishy-washy with you when it comes to that, but anyone that has ended the only thing they have ever known for the past 13 years of their life will have some fear and doubt. Give it time, accept that you need to move on and not lounge around waiting for her to make up her mind. Give her space. Dwelling on it will not only devastate you emotionally, but it is more likely to push her away even more. But like I said, don't get your hopes up too high about her returning. It could only sink you even lower if it never happens.

Good luck to you and I hope you can find peace with this issue.

MM

[dougal_maguire]

I wish I could find peace, but I have so much love for this girl. We waited until only 4 years ago before we had a child together. We gave our relationship time, ok we broke up a couple of times during those years but we were together when our daughter was born until just before christmas.
In August we spoke about having another child together... over the next month or so we discussed it with our daughter. We agreed to start trying in january...
In October she wanted me to buy her an eternity ring, the only reason we didnt was because they didnt have her size... I asked her the other night, why did she ask me to buy it for her if from what she was saying, things had not been right with us for months? Her answer was, well that week we really got on so well, i really thought we had a future together.. What kind of answer is that? We were still sleeping in the same bed together, making love still..... how were things so wrong?

[spirit-of-tao]

damned good advice married mom

[MarriedMom]

damned good advice married mom

Thanks Dave. I guess you could say I've been there done that, as cliche' as that sounds.

Dougal, reread what I said in the second post. She said that to you concerning the ring IMO because she is seriously confused herself. Like I said, you were all she has known for the biggest part of her life. Of course she's going to show doubt and have misgivings about her decisions. But the decisions she is making are ones that were bound to happen.

MM

[dougal_maguire]

I just want her back you know....

I got a lot of love for her.... surely she still has love for me somewhere in that heart of hers.
Was only last month we were still making love, still making plans for another child, still wanting me to buy her an eternity ring..
13 years and someones love doesnt just disapear.. does it?

[nuttytart]

i sort of now how you feel ive just been reading what has been written and i went through the same thing with one of my ex boyfriends we had really liked each other all the way through school and when we eventually got together it only lasted a year and a half and i really loved him. he split up with me 1 week before my birthday and he said that he loved me etc and that he wasn't seeing anyone else which i believed but he wasn't upset or anything then 2 weeks after we split i found out he had been havin a gay relationship with my best mate 4 two months behind my back but he still kept on sending me txt and foning me saying that he loved me and wanted us to get bck together but i held my ground and kept saying no and its the best thing i ever did i think that you should just keep your relationship platonic for your kid coz the last thing you want to do is to upset her

[dougal_maguire]

I would love to do that, just remain friends.... but i cant, I really do love her, and want to be with her for the rest of my life. Its a shame she doesnt feel the same for me.

[nuttytart]

yeah it is a shame but lets say that if you did get back together and then split up again for what ever reason you may end up being the worst off you could end up being together for the wrong reasons or you could both end up hating each other i think that the main person that you should really be thinking about is ur child in all of this it can be doing her any good with you living with them one minute and then not the next