gonna get violent with wife's ex

mayumi · Hello. I am New! Talk to Me Joined: 03 Feb 2005 Posts: 13

My wife's Ex won't leave her alone, she does noting to encourage him or responds to his painfully immature attempts to contact her. As examples we've had "what's my contact lens size", "what's so&so's email", continously emailing her and even pretending to be an old friend of hers and texting her messages saying this is my new number so that she'll ring to chat to her friend to discover its him, because she wouldn't talk to him otherwise. He's a control freak tosser when they were together which is why we're now very happily married

What causes someone to behave like that... I've never done it and neither has my wife or any of our friends. Trouble is I'm entirly the wrong bloke to do this kind of thing with. I used to be a boiler fitter and an amature boxer I'm tempted to use one of his methods to get him to meet me and have a "very quiet" discussion with him. He's issued threats to me via my wife, which makes me laugh a little 'cos he knows nothing about me, or that I come from a hard background (both my brothers and my father have done alot of time for violence, I've been lucky in avoiding that cos I'm a bit brighter).

I know my wife isn't doing this to stir up our marriage, because she tells me she wants nothing more to do with him and hasn't responded to any of his advances in over a year, but they still come, the last was ten days ago.

So why do you think he's being like this and what do you think his desired outcome is, cos sooner or later I'm going to sort this out

MarriedMom · Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2005 5:06 pm Post subject:

Well, it's obvious this guy is extremely immature, but if you react violently towards him and pummel him like you really want to, that will do nothing but make you stoop to his level, and actually it could put you on a worse level.

God knows my husband would love to kick my ex husband's ass, but he knows it would only cause more problems. It's obvious this guy is still hung up on your wife, and he is even resorting to what appears to be stalker-like behavior. Is he following her or showing up when least expected, or is it just the phone and computer messages? My advice to you would be to see about getting a restraining order. If your wife really doesn't want to have anything to do with him, then she will have no problem with that. Also, it will protect you for later on down the road if he does decide to take things further (if he hasn't already).

Call your phone company and get his number blocked. Set your email settings to where you only get incoming mail from certain addresses that you have allowed. You can do the same thing for your instant messaging. If he continues the phone calls, make sure you document every day and time, along with every word said. What type of things is he trying to talk to your wife about? And why does she give him the chance to speak?? She needs to make sure she isn't encouraging his behavior by giving him the idea that she wants to hear what he has to say.

The more ammunition you have against the guy, the better. You can take whatever you have and show it to the police department for proof of his behavior.

This may sound extreme, but trust me, you want him to be the one on the wrong side of the law, not you. Not only will beating his ass make you look like a puffed-up egomaniac, it may also cause your wife to have negative feelings toward you.

My advice may not be useful at all to you, but these are the things I would do to ensure I was in the right on this type of situation. Better to be ahead of the game with this nut than to wait until it gets any worse.

MM

StraightMale · Posted: Sat Feb 05, 2005 3:30 pm Post subject:

You are already aware that if your wife reacts to him - in any way - he is getting the attention he is craving. I suggest to you that even if you react to him, he is indirectly getting satisfaction from his contacts with 'his' woman (and that wording alone should give you an insight to his likely nature).

He will only give up if his contacts do not satisfy him. It's hard to know just what that means in his case but if every attempted contact of his only causes him disturbance and inconvenience, he is likely to stop after a time. So I would suggest you engage a (cheap) solicitor to write to him upon every contact, with rapid escalation requiting him to attend court, local media coverage, police visits to his home, that kind of thing. Get that third party in his way.

mayumi · Hello. I am New! Talk to Me Joined: 03 Feb 2005 Posts: 13

Thanks for the sensible advice. As always my gut reaction is the wrong sort lucky I learned not to listen to myself. It is annoying, it bothers my wife... He doesn't live in the UK or london and when he texted her with a UK no. saying I want to see you she was quite worried shed find him outside work.

It was her birthday on valentines day and so far no messages or contact cos my wife ignored him. Perhaps hes finally twigged... Only if it continues or escalates from now on will I get the authorities involed.
Thanks both

Nyquil · Hello. I am New! Talk to Me Joined: 20 Feb 2005 Posts: 2

Emerald · Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2005 9:18 am Post subject:

MarriedMom, I think your advice sounds very useful Smile

It's advice I'd like to pass onto a few friends if you don't mind?

LHScotsman · Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 12:31 pm Post subject:

Do make sure that all is as it seems.
My wife and I split up about 18 months ago. She took on a new partner after a couple of months. However she continually tells people I am harassing and bullying her but it is quite the opposite - I have never attempted to contact her. Nevertheless she still spins the stories, for whatever sick reason, with the result that I myself now feel threatened.
When I met with her previous husband I found that she had done the same with him and, when I started to look back over our relationship, I began to realise the lies that had been told over the years.
Hopefully it is not the same with you and that mine is a one-off.

iceman · Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 2:33 pm Post subject:

Donny · Posted: Wed Mar 02, 2005 11:00 pm Post subject:

You need to be a man, and beat his ass with a crowbar. Some dumbasses never learn, except by such actions. You need to protect the ones you love.

trinity · You Go Girl (100+ Posts) Joined: 24 Feb 2005 Posts: 103

I now you feel the real need to go beat him to a pulp but dont thats what he wants so then he can get you arrested and be there to comfort your wife and the kids,and say i told you so go see a lawyer and get there advice or if hes really getting to your wife tell her to go to the police and make a formal complaint