Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 10:03 am Post subject: Friend is bipolar.
I've posted here before - mainly about my relationship hangups but this is somewhat different.
I've got a friend, let's call her M, who recently admitted to me that she is manic depressive (bipolar). She's seventeen and was diagnosed last September.
I've known for a few months that she's ill because she has been having regular talks with college staff and she told me it's about her illness; also, she was very close to this guy (he's gay, so there was never anything more) and he ditched her lately because he couldn't stand the strain of being the only one to know all about what was wrong with her. Obviously I understand this but I think being abandoned by her best friend because he found supporting her too much pressure really had an awful effect on her and she actually attempted suicide just after Easter, albeit very unsuccessfully.
The college has told her that if she has any episodes at school they'll be forced to expel her and after her friend stopped talking to her, they kind of forced her into telling someone else. She told this boy who has been absolutely great but they're not the closet of friends: when she split all this out last night she said that she had confided in him rather than me because we're closer and she was afraid I wouldn't be able to cope with it.
She's also told me she's drinking daily (vodka) and using cannabis and sleeping pills and God knows what. I'm not sure how seriously to take these claims though: she has said that she has been drunk at school but I don't know whether to believe her as she;s a top grade student, tipped for going to OXbridge for languages and I wonder whether she'd be able to keep it up if she was drinking and drug using. Having said that, she has said she will have to take a year out if she doesn't get any better.
Her parents don't want to know about it. I think they know she has 'been depressive' but they have no idea how chronic it is, apparently. She's also seeing a shrink or two but they won't put her on any medication because she's high risk to overdose.
My problem here is that I don't know how to approach it. I don't know how to deal with her and what to believe and what not to. I'm her friend and just want to help.
Firstly sorry to hear about your friend. I have a relative who suffers from Bi-polar and also know of friends who have family members who suffer from it.
Bi-polar covers many different disorders and even the treatments available do not necessarily work for all individuals with the same disorder.
In terms of giving support, there is very little you can do other than be there for the sufferer. Often there is a denial that anything is wrong and if on medication they may stop taking it under this belief. I have read that some drugs including canabis can make bi-polar worse.
Basically all you can do is be there for them, help them pick up the peices when things go wrong, support them when seeking medical help and perhaps steer them away from destructive behaviour when necessary.
I've known for a few months that she's ill because she has been having regular talks with college staff and she told me it's about her illness; also, she was very close to this guy (he's gay, so there was never anything more) and he ditched her lately because he couldn't stand the strain of being the only one to know all about what was wrong with her. Obviously I understand this but I think being abandoned by her best friend because he found supporting her too much pressure really had an awful effect on her and she actually attempted suicide just after Easter, albeit very unsuccessfully.
Excuse me, but how do you know why her gay friend left? And don’t tell me he told you; how do you know his, or her, state of mind?
Quote:
She's also told me she's drinking daily (vodka) and using cannabis and sleeping pills and God knows what. I'm not sure how seriously to take these claims though: she has said that she has been drunk at school but I don't know whether to believe her as she;s a top grade student, tipped for going to OXbridge for languages and I wonder whether she'd be able to keep it up if she was drinking and drug using. Having said that, she has said she will have to take a year out if she doesn't get any better.
Are you sure this is not the problem? Bi-polar sounds a lot more respectable than “drunk” or “pot-head.” I don’t mean to be overly critical of your friend, but neither you nor anyone else can help her if you don’t know what you are dealing with.
No one can help her if she is in denial. Remember the three “Ps'” of self-help. It’s got to be “personal,” “present” and “positive.”
People have to think of taking care of their problems positively: ‘I am intent on becoming sober’; not I am intent on not drinking or smoking. To pose it negatively is to put the very issue you want to exile before your brain.
They also have to speak in the present: ‘I am unaddicted to alcohol or grass’. To say I “wasn’t,” or that “I will be not be addicted to alcohol or grass,” is to put it off into the past or future.
Most importantly, for your friend, it must be personal. You can’t do it for her. Nor can her mother, father, sister, brother, or her gay friend. The key word is “I”. Unless she knows what’s up, and what she must do, you can’t help her.
Help her within the confines of these strictures. But don’t try to do it for her. Good luck…she sounds like a terrific person…worth salvaging. Be her friend.
Why her gay friend left? She told me, he told me... it seems all I can do to fathom why he left but I'm coming to understand his state of mind, after all, as I'm sort of filling his shoes.
No, the drinking/drugs only started very recently. She's been bipolar for years. Obviously it isn't going to help her situation; what I was really wondering is how likely that story is even true. It certainly isn't the reason she is why she is.
She knows what she needs to do. She just seems to have a problem actually doing it - and yes, it is a shame because she is great although lately I have to say even I have lost sight of that to a degree.
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