New partner is strict on my daughter - please read

[Gary_confused]

WOnder if anyone can advise me.

I met a wonderful woman 12 months ago who has a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I too have a 10 year daugheter who lives full time with me. No problems there, we all get on fine.

Last month we all moved in together. Her daughter is what I would say a girly girl. Her mother dresses her in skirts or dresses. My daughter is a bit on the tomboy side.

So here is the problem. My new partner now gets my daughter to wear a skirt most of the time and has thrown out most of her trousers. My daughter is quite docile and rarely complains, but I can see she isn't happy about wear a skirt or having her in bunchies.

The other thing is I allowed my daughter to wear tights to school. She has now banned her from wearing tights sayings she is too young and shes now goes to school in knee socks like her daughter. I suppose she is trying to get everything equal but should I say anything?

She also does smack her own daughter if she is naughty, (which is rare). Do you think she would apply the discipline to my daughter.

Please advise as I don't want to rock the boat with my new partner.

[alex170170]

next time you are in town in a clothes shop, casually say to your partner
"them trousers would look good on your daughter " and see if she turns green.

also you might want to look at this other thread on here with reference to
daughters. My answer to the below thread is yes, yes and yes again
as long as it is both sides twice.

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/board/viewtopic.php?t=28356&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=90

let us know what happens

[Linda-T]

I think you should let your new partner choose your daughters clothing, after all she will now more about girls clothes than you. I also think that maybe 10 may be a bit young for tights, knee socks are more suitable.

[Guest]

I disagree, if shes your daughter -you decide what is acceptable.

Obviously, it should really be mutual agreement, but clearly she wants things her way.

To be honest, she has no right to move in to your daughters life and throw her wait around, throwing out her clothes.

What is she going to do next? Decide she must have a haircut she doesn't like? Decide she must conform to everything she likes and wants?

You should speak up now. You know throwing out her trousers was unacceptable otherwise you wouldn't be here. Speak up now.

[Impartial]

Your partner has brought up her daughter in a certain manner, and in 2007 it is unusual to see 12 year old girls wearing dresses and skirts all the time and perhaps she’s worried her daughter will want to adopt your daughter’s choice of clothes and attitudes which are more akin to today’s fashions. You need to reach some sort of compromise with your partner otherwise your daughter is going to (if she already has) despise your partner, and have negative feelings about you for not sticking up for her rights.

Your partner’s daughter is at an age when she soon (if she has not already said) that she will want to start wearing tights and find wearing socks babyish. I guess seeing a younger “step sister” in tights would cause her some disquiet and make her want tights before her mother intends, hence the reason why your partner has insisted your daughter must wear socks. I suggest you persuade your partner to allow both girls to wear children’s woollen tights which you get in a variety of interesting patterns and colours which would make a sensible compromise that would meet half way, and that she occasionally allows her own daughter to wear jeans for playing in.

If you allow your partner to dictate everything then at some stage in the future you could see her older daughter being allowed tights whilst your younger daughter still has to wear socks.

[dawter_of_the_devil]

you r still the number one parent when it comes to your daughter if you can see she is unhappy then you should let her wear her usual tomboy clothes you say your daughter is docile well she isn't she probley hasn't seen you happy in so long she doesnt want to burden you with her own problems talk to your daughter an find out what she wants instead of listening to everybody else

[sashae83]

I was lucky with my parents that they allowed (within reason) me to wear what I liked.
It allowed me to gain confidence and also establish my own personality, so what if she likes trousers and tights for all your partner knows is that she may like to cover-up her legs.

I will say this your daughter is more likely to rebel later on, and you are likely to get walked all over like a door-mat if you don't lay down boundries with your new partner... as your daughter may get treated as scond best and not equal to hers. (just a word of warning)

[Guest]

there does need to be some consistency in rules for the children otherwise resentment and jealousy will build up within the blended family.

however your daughter is 2 years old so this could be used as a reason why she should be allowed to wear different clothes to your partners daughter.

you need to agree the household rules together - some from each household before and some that are a compromise for you both. even better if you can include the girls in the rule making as they will be more likely to respect the rules. ask them to suggest punishments for rule breaking too and incorporate this into the rules.

may i suggest one rule though - absolutley no physical punishment!!

[Guest]

I guess seeing a younger “step sister” in tights would cause her some disquiet and make her want tights before her mother intends, hence the reason why your partner has insisted your daughter must wear socks.

Has the stepmother said at what age she regards girls as being old enough to wear tights? I do agree that 12 is far too young.

[noodles]

Your daughter and her daughter are different people and should be allowed to be so. Treating kids equally is one thing when you're talking about what times they should come in, no disrespecful backchat, must do homework straight afterschool...........but when you're talking about a kids personal identity I son't believe parents know best.

Why are you letting your gf take charge with her like this and where is your communication with your daughter?

Reclaim (or begin maybe) a close relationship with your daughter, find out how she feels about stuff then act accordingly. If you feel she's that happy with all the changes then dont you have a duty to find out more about it. Whats it like living in her world right now with all these changes?

[noodles]

Your daughter and her daughter are different people and should be allowed to be so. Treating kids equally is one thing when you're talking about what times they should come in, no disrespecful backchat, must do homework straight afterschool...........but when you're talking about a kids personal identity I son't believe parents know best.

Why are you letting your gf take charge with her like this and where is your communication with your daughter?

Reclaim (or begin maybe) a close relationship with your daughter, find out how she feels about stuff then act accordingly. If you dont feel she's that happy with all the changes then dont you have a duty to find out more about it. Whats it like living in her world right now with all these changes?

[Guest]

I will have to go ahead and disagree.

[Drinker]

Why are you letting your gf take charge with her like this and where is your communication with your daughter?

That's a stupid Q!
If he wants to keep having sex with her he not going to rock the boat!

[Drinker]

Your daughter and her daughter are different people and should be allowed to be so. Treating kids equally is one thing when you're talking about what times they should come in, no disrespecful backchat, must do homework straight afterschool...........but when you're talking about a kids personal identity I son't believe parents know best.

Sounds good but it's hard to set the rules for one child when the rules are different for the other.
And each parent puts thier child before the other.
All in all it's just bad parenting to make a blended family.
And it jsut shows the child how important they are to the parent since the parent now has to make more time for the new relationship instead of spending time with them.
The child learns they are second best by living it.

[Verve]

I'm not a parent but I can still offer my opinion. For one thing you moved in too soon with a woman you don't know. 12 months is not enough time to share your life as well as your daughters, with someone new + 1. I say that you need to have a talk with your now girlfriend. Remind her that you appreciate her help and guidance with your daughter but you want in no way her character to be influenced.

As long as she is a tomboy I see nothing wrong with it. As long as your daughter is respectful towards your woman that's a given. I do have an issue with this statement. "She also does smack her own daughter if she is naughty, (which is rare). Do you think she would apply the discipline to my daughter." If you ever let that woman touch your child in any way, I will find a way to come through your monitor and beat the living sh*t out of you. I want you to have a back bone. For you to think that she "would" means you have skipped all of the discussions about her parenting your child. Let it be known that she will never physically discipline your child. If she has an issue bring it to you.

It seems from your post that you are afraid of stepping on your womans toes. She should not be your primary concern. Your daughter is your primary concern. If you allow a this woman to rule your child, your daughter will grow up hating you for it. It just puzzles me that you dove into this and did no preparation for what was to come. Don't allow this woman to rule you or your child. Your child will show her respect! That is very important.

Also if you marry her make sure your daughter's name is all on your financial documents and your last will and testament is in place.