Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 10:36 pm Post subject: hate my father
hey... it is really hard to write about this... first time I'm telling about that to smn... I feel lost... need smn to share with about...
recently, we (my mom, sister and I) have found that our dad cheated on mom during last 11 years... he even has a 3 years old daughter from that woman... he gave his last name to her... but now he says that she is not his daughter, that he just gave her his last name... mom always loved him... we've been thru many things in our family... there were times that we had no money to buy food... he (can't call him dad anymore) drank a lot, still drinks... my mom's heart is not very good now... my sister and I understood that it is all in our hands now. I have graduated from college with suma cum laude, my sister and I always studied hard. After my college I got a good job, earned good money, then I got a sponsorship to study for master degree, I am among top students in my program right now...
I always seem strong, as if I can handle everything.. but... I hate him... He was always absent and drunk on all holidays, celebrations, birthdays... what is worse is that I loved him...
now, he always makes scandals at home, feels like he even does not regret. I am not home now, I am studying for my master degree in other city. I feel like I want him to get away... but he has no place to go... that woman doesn't want him anymore. this situation forces them (my mom, sister) to live together in hell... now, I have my finals coming up, hard to concentrate... all I feel is hate, betrayal, anger and shame... pls say smth...
Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:41 am Post subject: Re: hate my father
dancing_queen1 wrote:
hey... it is really hard to write about this... first time I'm telling about that to smn... I feel lost... need smn to share with about...
recently, we (my mom, sister and I) have found that our dad cheated on mom during last 11 years... he even has a 3 years old daughter from that woman... he gave his last name to her... but now he says that she is not his daughter, that he just gave her his last name... mom always loved him... we've been thru many things in our family... there were times that we had no money to buy food... he (can't call him dad anymore) drank a lot, still drinks... my mom's heart is not very good now... my sister and I understood that it is all in our hands now. I have graduated from college with suma cum laude, my sister and I always studied hard. After my college I got a good job, earned good money, then I got a sponsorship to study for master degree, I am among top students in my program right now...
I always seem strong, as if I can handle everything.. but... I hate him... He was always absent and drunk on all holidays, celebrations, birthdays... what is worse is that I loved him...
now, he always makes scandals at home, feels like he even does not regret. I am not home now, I am studying for my master degree in other city. I feel like I want him to get away... but he has no place to go... that woman doesn't want him anymore. this situation forces them (my mom, sister) to live together in hell... now, I have my finals coming up, hard to concentrate... all I feel is hate, betrayal, anger and shame... pls say smth...
Ignore the stupid shitwipes that mistake their small ego engagments for assuaging their obvious small penis size issues.
Anyway, we all have family issues of one kind of another. I can relate in part to your adult resentment of your father. What I suggest, and what will be hard, is to just mourn the fact that your "father" is in effect little more than a sperm-donor. To be a father means to be a man who cares for his family, and as such concerns himself with the ethical conduct of his consequences and how they ultimately will impact not only his life but those immediately around him, especially his family. To have such a blatant disregard for the future consquence on his family speaks of an utterly selfish, peevish little man whose only concern is for the moment and for himself. Doubtless, you know this already in your heart. The problem lies in the difficulty of fully accepting this and then letting it go and move on, knowing that you are not any of your parents, their indifference, or their mistakes, and deficiencies. Nor are you destined to be like them as a parent. The best thing you can do is by that loving father and nurturer to yourself that you never had--and just as importantly be it to your sons and daughters, present or future.
In my case, I grew up in an extremely emotionally, psychologically abusive family. It was at times also a physically abusive environment, my father once throwing a full glass bottle of orange juice at me when I was barely five years old, the glass shattering near the side of my head, cutting my check, a memory I still have even to this day as a 34 year old man. Yet another time, when 11 he flung a cup of hot coffee at my face.
He managed to systematically break my mother, turning a once patient, fun-natured woman into a depressed, defeated pathetic shell of her former self.
What was even more difficulty for me to come to terms with later on with these circumstance was that this "man" was not an alcoholic o drug user, something which at least I could have pointed to as the source of his abusive behavior. The truth however is that he is just a very miserable, frusteated, angry little man that needs to take his anger out on others, and his immediate family were the easy targets. Fundamentally, he is a coward, knowing that in the enivironment outside of the family, he would be handed his ass, and one time, he was punched in the face by a man in the grocery store for opening his mouth and thinking he could get away with the same abusive behavior he put many of us through.
Just after my 16th birthday, he had grabbed me by the collar after I spoke back to him. He told me he was going to beat me "like a man this time." That was when I slammed him against the wall and then threw him through the bathroom door with such force that he went flying backwards into the tub, shattering the glass shower partition. "That was for when I was five," I told him. He hadn't a clue the prick what I meant, but he understood that when I told him I would break his fingers if he ever put his hands on me or my mother that I was making a threat but a promise. That was the last time he ever tried to be physical with either of us after that.
When I turned 18 and graduated high school, I left home and never looked back. I worked on my own, eventually went to college and got married, where I keep my children far from this dirtbag of an abusive sperm-donor. That is all he ever was-and ever will be.
My sister still sees him, and she herself was psychologically abused by him and has herself become a foul-mouth, verbal abuser to her own kids. In many ways she is him in minature, the classic example of the abused becoming the abuser.
For me, what kept me sane is that I saw my so-called "father" for a pathetic poor excuse of a man completely devoid of discipline and self-control and I saw to it to never be him and distant myself as far from him as possible. I owe my successes and strength today owed not becaue of him--but in spite of him. And I suggest you recognize that you too have reached your own successes in spite of your father's selfish, uncaring ways and are a far better person.
It took me time to stop hating my father. I do not love him nor ever will, but I only really hate today is what he did to us. My hatred for him has only been replaced by deep pity for him in what he missed out in having had a fantastic family life and what he is now missing out today with the rest of the family he is wholey undeserving.
Move forward with no regrets. You are not your past nor are constrained by it nor destined to be the flaws of either parent. Be for your own family what you were not shown, and shower them doubly so with love and kindness, for just as much violence of words or fist begets the same ugliness of violence, love indeed heals and conquers and begets moe love, where each loving act of kindness too will be remembered, especially in the future mind of a child of today, who will in turn pass it on further from memory to action to yet another in same kind spirit.
Continuance of success to you and may you find happiness and love and pass it on to future generations.
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