What would you do?

[laura999]

Hi everyone,
I am due to get married in 6 months time and I don't really know if I want to anymore.
I have been with my partner for 10 years. I was 19 when I met him. I am 31 now. He is 45. There is an age gap until now it had never bothered me but recently I have started gettting frustrated with him. He doesn't look after himself at all. He is a least 2.5 stone overweight, never sees the dentist, smoke a lot (behind my back because he is supposed to have quit but I caught him out) He doesn't seem to make any effort for me. Not to be vain but I do look after myself and I always make sure I look smart and sometimes I feel embarassed being seen with my partner. He has a huge beer belly which I find ugly. When we go out he is always proud to show me off and often he would makes sexual jokes about us in front of his friends which I hate.
On the other hand he is lovely in many other ways. He is very friendly to people. He doesn't have a nasty bone in his body.
I don't like the way I feel at the moment. I don't find my partner attractive anymore. He is the only man I have slept with since I was 19 and it depresses me to think that I don't physically find him attractive. If only he made an effort. I have told him so many times. He goes on a diet for a few days and then it's back to his old self. What would you do?

[Joyofsox]

You have almost answered it yourself.
If you are starting to find him less than attractive now it will be no better in 10 years time. If he cannot follow some fitness regime he has set himself at 45 he won't even try at 55.
You also sound like you are being thought of as a trophy bride.
If you have been with him since you were 21 you have only really known life with a much older man. Perhaps 10 years was quite enough and the relationship has run its course.

[eltel]

You have almost answered it yourself.
If you are starting to find him less than attractive now it will be no better in 10 years time. If he cannot follow some fitness regime he has set himself at 45 he won't even try at 55.
You also sound like you are being thought of as a trophy bride.
If you have been with him since you were 21 you have only really known life with a much older man. Perhaps 10 years was quite enough and the relationship has run its course.

Totaly agree with you.
Laura If you are going to marry this man you have to be 100% happy with him the way he is and it sounds to me like you are not.

[Polgara69]

Similar situation except my husband wasnt a slob. We had been together for 10 years and we got married but didnt even make the 2nd anniversary. If you are having those doubts now, get out before its too lte. It might be hard now but imagine how much harder it will be when you are married. You never know, you might find that you actually enjoy being you! Like me! tho, I must admit, my toyboy helps me with that tremendously!
Seriously tho, be brave and make the jump. You know its not right so get out while it is an easier option. Life is too short hun.

[Bouncy]

If you need to convince yourself that it's a good idea to marry someone, it really isn't a good idea. You don't marry someone you think you may be able to live with, you marry someone you can't live without.

[Raspberry]

No brainer.

[wildchild]

You have almost answered it yourself.
If you are starting to find him less than attractive now it will be no better in 10 years time. If he cannot follow some fitness regime he has set himself at 45 he won't even try at 55.
You also sound like you are being thought of as a trophy bride.
If you have been with him since you were 21 you have only really known life with a much older man. Perhaps 10 years was quite enough and the relationship has run its course.

totally agree babe

[lostpropet]

It seems everyone on here gives the same advice..."Dont bother trying to fix it...just leave and move on!"

That may not be true but everytime i see a thread asking for advice i rarely see people giving solutions to help out rather than just throwing in the towel.

Personally id sit him down and explain how you feel. Tell him that unless he is prepared to SERIOUSLY get himself into shape, you wont stay with him. Youve got to make him understand that you are serious aswel because i think most guys assume its an empty threat, espically after 10years aswel. It seemes hes got very comfy in the relationship and doesnt think he needs to try anymore. Maybe if you got yourself a gym membership and both go down together on the weekends it will spur him on? Plus its something else to do as a couple.

Just my opinion though...only after 10 years together it seems sad to let it go just like that which im sure youd agree.

Do you still love him or is it just you dont find him physically/sexually attractive?

Hope that helped!

[FFFCaroline]

Every poster here has answered this the way it should be answered. You have to be madly in love with a man when you marry him. Years from now you have to be able to look at him and find these wonderful days of wine and roses of yesterday. These are the things that make a marriage work...If he is gaining this weight now, it probably will not stop. The things you find offensive must be controlled before marriage. Believe me they will not come after marriage. They probably will get worse.

You must be able to look at this man as a hot sexual partner. A man that turns you on and you get hot just thinking about. Sure we all have fights but with all the bad qualities he is already showing, where do you go from there.

Sometimes living with someone is good and sometimes it is bad. I think in your case it was good because you found something important that is missing..... You do not marry a friend, you marry a lover that you feel in your heart that you cannot live without..... It has to be like this or else you will not reach the 50th anniversary that we will be reaching later this year.......He is still my best friend.........and my lover.......

Good luck.....

[animallover15]

To marry/commit to someone they should be "everything" to you and they should feel the same way about you...Please dont go into this with doubts, otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lot of heart ache!!!

[MissCharlie]

I would agree with what most have said, I certainly wouldn't be heading down the aisle with the kind of doubts you have, but I would postpone the wedding, give myself some breathing time, and time to talk to him about what it is that bothers me. Hope this helped and good luck

CX

[fifigirl]

Laura - 8 years ago, on my wedding morning, I asked my bridesmaid to help me find 10 good reasons to marry my partner of 5 years and the father of our 3 year old son. We came up with 2 reasons - my son being the main reason and the dress/ceremony/guests etc being the other one.

8 years on and I'm still asking myself why - only more reasons are being added - the huge mortgage and no equity to sell up and find ourselves 2 seperate homes, his daughter's university fees etc.

Those reasons anchor you into a place that you know you shouldn't be in.

Your man isn't vile - he's just lost pride in himself - but it will be enough for you to eventually despise him.

Tonight the kids heard us have yet another argument about his drinking and now he's gone to bed to sleep it off, our bedroom stinks of booze so I'm on the sofa again tonight.

If you can't fix it, do not carry on with the relationship - don't get anchored into a place where you may have to stay and suffer.

Good luck xxxx

[Mr B]

Laura - 8 years ago, on my wedding morning, I asked my bridesmaid to help me find 10 good reasons to marry my partner of 5 years and the father of our 3 year old son. We came up with 2 reasons - my son being the main reason and the dress/ceremony/guests etc being the other one.

8 years on and I'm still asking myself why - only more reasons are being added - the huge mortgage and no equity to sell up and find ourselves 2 seperate homes, his daughter's university fees etc.

Those reasons anchor you into a place that you know you shouldn't be in.

Your man isn't vile - he's just lost pride in himself - but it will be enough for you to eventually despise him.

Tonight the kids heard us have yet another argument about his drinking and now he's gone to bed to sleep it off, our bedroom stinks of booze so I'm on the sofa again tonight.

If you can't fix it, do not carry on with the relationship - don't get anchored into a place where you may have to stay and suffer.

Good luck xxxx

Why dont you leave him fifigirl? Your son will grow up thinking fighting and argument is the norm. You must be really miserable.

[fifigirl]

I'm a coward Mr B - you have to be really brave to walk away. My partner is essentially a decent bloke and I'm a nice person too ( I think!!!!) My son loves us both - our only problem is that we're not supposed to be together. Anyway - today I have put on my big brave smile and pretending to the kids that last night never happened and just knuckling down with life.

Wonder how many other people are doing that all the time!!!

[Mr B]

I'm a coward Mr B - you have to be really brave to walk away. My partner is essentially a decent bloke and I'm a nice person too ( I think!!!!) My son loves us both - our only problem is that we're not supposed to be together. Anyway - today I have put on my big brave smile and pretending to the kids that last night never happened and just knuckling down with life.

Wonder how many other people are doing that all the time!!!

Fiifigirl I think many couples are doing that unfortunately. Thats no way to live though is it...you dont seem to love him. I know you're thinking of your son but you've got to look after yourself also. I was in the same postion, I have a son too but his mother and I argued all the time so we split up. I dont think my son could be happier now! He has two homes to go to if he fancies a bit of a change and he can see either of us whenever he wants. You owe to yourself to be happy and to bring your son up in an argument free environment.