Separated ... when do I tell?

michelle7 · Guest

Hi, I married when i was 22 (i'm now 27). I was with the guy for 5 years and we have been separated 3 years now. It was an amicable separation, we just grew apart and were too young I guess and rushed into it.

I've started seeing this guy who I really like and can see a future with. Problem is, I haven't told him about my past. It's only been 6 weeks but I'm too scared to tell him in case he doesn't want to see me anymore. He is 29 but I don't think he has had many serious relationships. We have never talked about our pasts and I didn't want to bring it up because it would be making an issue out of it. I think i'm so scared because I've only dated one other guy since my separation and he took it really bad and always threw it back at me at every opportunity so now I'm scared that all guys will react that way. Should I have told him by now? Now I'm also scared that I've left it too long and he will be mad that I've kept it from him but we just haven't ever had that "past" talk yet. What should I do?

staryeyedd · Hello. I am New! Talk to Me Joined: 04 Nov 2007 Posts: 14

i dont think he should get mad at you for keeping it from him if when you do tell him that you were just ashamed and scared he would take it the wrong way. you should tell him tho, it will come out eventually and your previous boyfriend was an ass for holding a divorce against you. like you said you were young.

you should tell him tho, just.... i dont know, bring it up in a relaxed setting, like watching a movie or tv or something, and just say hey i want to tell you something and i dont want you to judge me when i tell you or take it the wrong way... im sure if he is a good guy that he will listen and still love you for you. who knows...you said that you havnt talked about the past, maybe hes had a divorce too

honbuns · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 10:57 am Post subject:

I agree with Staryeyed. But also think that honesty is absolutely required I split with my wife 18 months ago and since then have had two relationships, both times I was very upfront about my past as having it as a secret would have caused me to be very uncomfortable about it.

The key thing is if he has a problem with you having been previously married he is probably not mature enough for a long term relationship anyway. We all have things in our past that have hurt us and also things we may be less than proud of but they are part of what makes us the person we are today and that person is the one that your/our partners love.

All a bit trite I am afraid and probably been said many times before but no less true for all that.

Guest · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 12:50 pm Post subject:

Why no divorce after 3 years? In my experience, when a couple lives in separation instead of going through with a divorce there is usually something unresolved. I would never date a separated man. Ever. I have a brother who dated a separated woman for almost a year. He was crazy for her and wanted to marry her as soon as the divorce was final (which she never started.) She left him and went back to her husband. It's just too easy to get hurt.

If you have no intention and your husband is done, why not just start those papers and have something concrete to tell the new guy. He might take the lie by omission a little easier.

noodles · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 1:10 pm Post subject: Re: Separated ... when do I tell?

coolman · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 1:19 pm Post subject: Re: Separated ... when do I tell?

honbuns · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 2:22 pm Post subject:

Totally agree with Coolman.

michelle7 · Guest

Thanks everyone for your responses and advice.

I told him last night and he was great about it. He said it didn't matter to him what happened in the past and that I shouldn't have worried so much about telling him. He actually said that he was glad that I felt I could talk to him about it.

In answer to your questions, the divorce proceedings have been started, it's just talking longer than normal because I had to be separated for two years before I could start them where I live. I also married in USA so that is what is holding it up, having to get the marriage certificate certified by the American Court before it can be accepted here. It won't take long to come through though. I would like it to be final as soon as possible.

Also, I guess I do feel ashamed of my past. I just don't like being 26 and nearly divorced. I live in Ireland and there are so many old fashioned people here (because of religion) so it carries with it stigma, I just wish I could erase it but I don't ever apologise for it. At the end of the day, I didn't do a bad thing, I married someone I was in love with and wanted to be with for my life and it just didn't pan out that way ... life goes on ... onwards and upwards!

Thanks again for your help Smile

Michelle

Guest · Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 1:40 am Post subject:

Don't beat yourself up for that Michelle. You didn't do anything wrong.
Sounds like you're on the right track and you found a nice guy.

honbuns · Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:33 am Post subject:

Really pleased for you Michele, sounds like things are moving in the right direction. Best wishes for the future.

I know Ireland quite well so understand what it is like but as you say dont apologise for your past it is a part of you.

noodles · Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 9:53 am Post subject:

Nice one Michelle. Im glad its worked out - your fella sounds like a decent chap Very Happy