I cant imagine how it feels to be seperated from your children and feel for all those who are but wish to be with them. Like the colonel tho I get a bit of a 'men and kids isnt as important kind of vibe' from some of these posts.
I'm not sure its meant that way but it comes across like that. Comments like 'I love my kids' dad and I know how much he loves the kids, but no matter what I wouldn't let him have full custady. ' and 'most men dont have a clue' are pretty dismissive, unkind and in many cases untrue.
It portrays men to be useless and incapable in regards to children. If this is your personel experience of 'a' man thats fine but dont tarnish all men with the useless brush. I also feel like i wanna add that theres plenty of S*** mums out there too.
Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: i too dont live with my child
10 yrs ago i broke up with my ex and we had a 2 yr old boy. As i broke my ex's heart he thought he would break mine and take my son away from me. I had a very bad up bringing and he convinced me that if i had my child i too would be cruel to him. I had not dealt with my childhood issues and i believed him. My worst fear was to bring up my children the way i was brought up i have not become that person but back then i did not have enough faith in myself and i thought at the time it was best for my child to live with his father. Now being strong woman that i have become my biggest regret was not believing in myself
for 2 yrs i believed that i was the only mother in the world that didnt have their child living with them as the courts do not offer support. i now have become aware that i not alone. it really hurts when you tell people about your situation and they think you have either bashed your child or worse.
not every sisuation is the same. the sad thing is that when you want to talk to some one there is no one that is qualified that is in the same boat and has empathy for my situation. no one can unerstand the pain when they not in same situation. more support needs to be avalible. lets hope with this website things will start to get the ball rolling and they can see there is a need for help for us mums
Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 9:05 am Post subject: Re: i too dont live with my child
i love my child wrote:
10 yrs ago i broke up with my ex and we had a 2 yr old boy. As i broke my ex's heart he thought he would break mine and take my son away from me. I had a very bad up bringing and he convinced me that if i had my child i too would be cruel to him. I had not dealt with my childhood issues and i believed him. My worst fear was to bring up my children the way i was brought up i have not become that person but back then i did not have enough faith in myself and i thought at the time it was best for my child to live with his father. Now being strong woman that i have become my biggest regret was not believing in myself
for 2 yrs i believed that i was the only mother in the world that didnt have their child living with them as the courts do not offer support. i now have become aware that i not alone. it really hurts when you tell people about your situation and they think you have either bashed your child or worse.
not every sisuation is the same. the sad thing is that when you want to talk to some one there is no one that is qualified that is in the same boat and has empathy for my situation. no one can unerstand the pain when they not in same situation. more support needs to be avalible. lets hope with this website things will start to get the ball rolling and they can see there is a need for help for us mums
And what about for dads?
You realise that were I ever to divorce (I hope I won't) despite the fact I have provided for my kids, taught them, given them the best things I could, love them and care for them and so much more over the years...
a judge's first decision is whether I, their father, despite all I've done and would unquestionably continue to do, should have any contact with my kids. (And many good fathers are refused contact even when their ex-wife/partner speaks up for them and wants them to see their kids!!!!)
For a mother, it tends to be automatic. The decision is essentially already made before the man gets to court.
Dad's are the neglected ones, but no-one cares. Why not? Because we are male.
Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:27 am Post subject: Re: i too dont live with my child
The Colonel wrote:
i love my child wrote:
10 yrs ago i broke up with my ex and we had a 2 yr old boy. As i broke my ex's heart he thought he would break mine and take my son away from me. I had a very bad up bringing and he convinced me that if i had my child i too would be cruel to him. I had not dealt with my childhood issues and i believed him. My worst fear was to bring up my children the way i was brought up i have not become that person but back then i did not have enough faith in myself and i thought at the time it was best for my child to live with his father. Now being strong woman that i have become my biggest regret was not believing in myself
for 2 yrs i believed that i was the only mother in the world that didnt have their child living with them as the courts do not offer support. i now have become aware that i not alone. it really hurts when you tell people about your situation and they think you have either bashed your child or worse.
not every sisuation is the same. the sad thing is that when you want to talk to some one there is no one that is qualified that is in the same boat and has empathy for my situation. no one can unerstand the pain when they not in same situation. more support needs to be avalible. lets hope with this website things will start to get the ball rolling and they can see there is a need for help for us mums
And what about for dads?
You realise that were I ever to divorce (I hope I won't) despite the fact I have provided for my kids, taught them, given them the best things I could, love them and care for them and so much more over the years...
a judge's first decision is whether I, their father, despite all I've done and would unquestionably continue to do, should have any contact with my kids. (And many good fathers are refused contact even when their ex-wife/partner speaks up for them and wants them to see their kids!!!!)
For a mother, it tends to be automatic. The decision is essentially already made before the man gets to court.
Dad's are the neglected ones, but no-one cares. Why not? Because we are male.
Females would never be treated the same way.
there is so much support for fathers, that dont have custody! believe that.
it is not always the case that mothers get the child and fathers dont, it usually is the one with the better lawyer and that the biggest crime i think.
i too hope that you are never in the situation where you have to worry about the stress and problems that i face every day. it is not some thing i wish upon any one.
to never have taken your child to school is not a pain any one male or female should be put through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 7:19 am Post subject: I thought I was doing it for them
3 years ago I told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce. From the time that I told him I wanted a divorce, he started to keep the children away from me. He would lock them in the bedroom with him before I came home from work to keep me from saying good-night to them. He came home the day he found out I was leaving so that I wouldn't be able to take them with me. He had them fearing me, the woman tha had changed their dirty diapers, fed them, clothed them and played with them all their lives. He was not even involved in their lives before I said that I wanted to divorce him. He had never changed a diaper. He had never washed a dish. He had balked every time I said the children needed new clothes. For two years I fought to keep custody of my children, and he always had something new to throw at me. I was in a car accident shortly after leaving him, and he used that to say that I was irresponsible. He would pick up the kids from my house while I was at work and keep them home from school and then blame me for it. When I went to pick up the children, he wouldn't let them come with me. If I called the police, he'd say that I was traumatizing them. He slammed the door shut in my face when they called out to me and say I didn't want to see them. He is very charismatic and made the judge and my lawyer see things his way. Now I barely have any rights to see my kids and if I try to exercise those rights, he causes a scene and I don't want to subject my children to that. I have another child by my fiance now, and I don't want to subject her to that either. I gave up my kids because it was the only way to stop him from causing my children not to know who to go with, but now I'm seen as a bad mother, because I should have kept fighting, and kept calling the police, but to what end? Should I have kept causing my kids trauma every single week because he refused to cooperate? I know I did what was best, and even now, by not seeing them, it does show that I love them because he causes problems every time I do see them, and I know they see it. They don't even like me or my fiance because of lies he's told them. It hurts to lose your children, but you also want their lives to be as peaceful as possible.
I am probably not the one that should be replying here but I agree with most of you but not all. Some of you have been shafted from one end to the next. However I would like to tell my short story of my situation. My girlfriend of 4 years left me for one of my friends when my daughter was 1 year old. I was crushed, was ready to settle in and make a life for my family. Unfortunately she used my daughter as a pawn for money. My daughter and I have always been very close. Including the midnite feedings diaper changes and so on. After 5 years of her living with her mom and paying 100 hundred dollars a week in child support her mother decided as well as a doctor and pschologist that she would be better off living with dad. Mom agreed and so it was so. After 6 years of her living with me she is healthy, happy, good student, and well liked. Her mother often cancels visitations, school functions, and drops her off early when she does see her. Her mother has never paid a dime in child support payments. I filed a motion to the court to modify the court order for her mom to pay something in child support. In turn she files a motion that the court give her back custody not even 5 days after receiving the notice that I filed. This has extremely upset my daughter to the point that she does not want to be with her mom in fear that she won't bring her home. I have paid all expenses and when I ask for help on some of the out of pocket things I usually get a "i'll get it to you" and never see it. I am in fear of the damage this is causing between my daughter and mom, in an already touchy situation. I could go on about this probably forever but I guess what I am saying is that some of us dads are not the evil, but really are better for the bringing up of our kids. Sorry for including myself here but I do support all of you, besides its not for us its for the love of our children!
Unfortunately, fathers like you are very rare. Your daughter is lucky to have a father that truly cares about her welfare more than he cares about revenge against her mother. I wish that my ex had cared more about our children than about revenge, because it would have better served our children. Now I cannot speak to him without him becoming verbally abusive, and my children see this on a regular basis. I love them so I just avoid talking to him so that they don't have to see that. I would like custody back, but at the same time, because I gave up, it's not likely to happen.
Sarah Hart has written a book to help women, but the issues she lists in her recent post would apply equally to fathers. Unfortunately for the children, some parents of both genders try to shut the other parent out for various reasons, mostly becasue they want nothing to do with their ex-spouse. Unless there are extenuating circumstances (such as child abuse) it is equally wrong for either parent to shut the other out of their children's lives. The big difference is that because many more mothers than fathers have custody of their children, more fathers than mothers are being shut out of their children's lives.
Their is also the emotional issue of "maternal bonding." Being a male, I have never personally experienced this, but most of the literature on child bearing states that a mother forms a very close bond with her baby as soon as she holds the baby the first time. If the mother does not hold the baby, this bond does not form. A similar bond does not normally form between a father and his child. Thus a mother who is separated from her child has to deal with emotional problems the father who is separated from his child does not experience.
I will admit I have never gone to Sarah Hart's web site, but my bottom line here is that I do not see any bias in her post.
A Father
As a father of four (plus a bump) an emotional bond EQUAL to a mothers bond forms.
It is not greater with either, and I see much bias in her post.
Her book/site is to do with mothers. Why not fathers? Why not mothers and fathers?
The bottom line is that women can kick and scream and try and get what they want, they are always the victim. The man never matters.
If the woman gets the kids, she's the victim of the "nasty, nasty man". If she doesn't get the kids then she is the victim of the same.
Well done for saying just what i was thinking !
Thank heaven i fought (Hard ) against the court systemn and the various bodies involved for recidancy/custody of my son , FAMILIES NEED FATHERS ! helped me so much !
Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:03 pm Post subject: Re: i too dont live with my child
The Colonel wrote:
i love my child wrote:
10 yrs ago i broke up with my ex and we had a 2 yr old boy. As i broke my ex's heart he thought he would break mine and take my son away from me. I had a very bad up bringing and he convinced me that if i had my child i too would be cruel to him. I had not dealt with my childhood issues and i believed him. My worst fear was to bring up my children the way i was brought up i have not become that person but back then i did not have enough faith in myself and i thought at the time it was best for my child to live with his father. Now being strong woman that i have become my biggest regret was not believing in myself
for 2 yrs i believed that i was the only mother in the world that didnt have their child living with them as the courts do not offer support. i now have become aware that i not alone. it really hurts when you tell people about your situation and they think you have either bashed your child or worse.
not every sisuation is the same. the sad thing is that when you want to talk to some one there is no one that is qualified that is in the same boat and has empathy for my situation. no one can unerstand the pain when they not in same situation. more support needs to be avalible. lets hope with this website things will start to get the ball rolling and they can see there is a need for help for us mums
And what about for dads?
You realise that were I ever to divorce (I hope I won't) despite the fact I have provided for my kids, taught them, given them the best things I could, love them and care for them and so much more over the years...
a judge's first decision is whether I, their father, despite all I've done and would unquestionably continue to do, should have any contact with my kids. (And many good fathers are refused contact even when their ex-wife/partner speaks up for them and wants them to see their kids!!!!)
For a mother, it tends to be automatic. The decision is essentially already made before the man gets to court.
Dad's are the neglected ones, but no-one cares. Why not? Because we are male.
I am all for gender equality, but I, along with millions of other men, must have missed the change of the definition of the term. Gender equality today mens women get everything and men get nothing.
That's not equality.
If a child has a good and loving father who wants to be with his children, as far as I am concerned, no court in the land has a right to prevent him doing so.
Luckily for me, my wife and I agreed about all of this in our prenuptial agreement. It is something I would recommend to others - especially to men.
If you agree before marriage/birth (or whatever) who the kids will live with, about contact, about birthday's and so on, as well as who can live in the family home (i.e. you can say no other man is to come into your kid's lives), then please get it down on paper legally beforehand.
If in the event of a break up your ex-partner tries to wriggle out of what she has previously agreed - you can use it to sting her in the backside.
If for one, would never give up on my kids - and I know they wouldn't give up on me either.
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i have not become that person but back then i did not have enough faith in myself and i thought at the time it was best for my child to live with his father. Now being strong woman that i have become my biggest regret was not believing in myself 
