Mothers without custody

[All 4 my kids]

Thank god I found this site.Even though all of your stories are different,we are all going through the same thing-being seperated from our babies.My story is alot like Jul_mitch.I have been living without my children for about 18months now.I left their father(NOT THEM) and gave him custody,because,not only for financial reasons, but at the time,I didn't feel I had the capability of giveing them a stable life.He got the house, the kids, the parents of the friends of the kids, and the title of "Father of the Year" for doing all that he does.I stayed living in the same town about 10 minutes away,to stay involved in their lives.He has completely alienated them,as well as our friends,from me,and I am at the point of giving up.They don't want to come with me on my days,they don't want me coming to their events,they even have nothing to say when I call them.They have become disrespectful, not only to me, but my family as well.I have 3 daughters(15,14, and 11) who desperately need a mother in their lives,and a son(9) who was my baby,my little guy,who loved me,unconditionally,even after I first left.Now he doesn't want to talk to me.I'm trying the reverse psychology thing now,and putting my foot down, and I'm afraid it's backfiring,with no support from their father,whatsover.I'm getting choked up just typing this.I don't know what else to do.I try every day to go on,and make the most out of my life,but there is a constant pain there,that never goes away.I dream about my children EVERY night now, and wake up feeling empty and incomplete without them.

If anyone has any suggestions,or input,I would love to hear from you.I don't know where else to go.Ive been in therapy,but it doesn't seem to be working.I don't know what else to do.

Thanks for listening, and my thoughts are with all of you and your children

Ellen

[never say never]

I raised my children for five yrs alone, and I was one who said I would never give up custody of my children.... I would do what ever it took to make sure they had what they needed. Then my ex decided he was tired of "paying me money" for child support and started a custody battle.... no problem.. I could handle that. But the stress of the fighting made my youngest child so sick that his life was at risk, and I SIGNED OVER CUSTODY to their father to stop a custody battle that was emotionally killing my children. Every day without them in my arms kills me a little more... but tell me this, if I would not have stopped a custody fight that ultimitely caused the death of my child, would I have regretted that decision?? Yes my children are suffering and my heart is broken, but we are breathing each day and they carry me in their hearts always. I cannot control the actions of another, only my own. This man would have sacrificed his children before he put his ego aside. It was the most heartbreaking decision of my life, and I must live with this choice I made for the rest of my life. But tell me this- what is the point of winning at the cost of that which you are fighting for? I have always said that I could survive anything.. other than sitting in a hospital begging for my childs life. so let others judge me for not having custody of my children... let my ex have his "extra" money, and let my children have their health.... I wish I understood it all, if anyone can explain it- I am listening.

[jul_mitch]

My ex-husband ( who has custody of my two sons) recently found a new partner. They are both trying their best to alienate my boys from me. They cut of phone calls from me and are constantly filling their minds with anti mum propaganda. This is a huge emotional stress. I am persevering, sending post cards sending text messages and letting them know how much I love them. That is all we can do. It does not matter how many times we repeat ourselves we need to let them know how much we love them and never stop fighting for contact. We are not guilty of anything but wishing the best for our children when the marraige fails.

Men use this situation as often as possible ' how can any mother leave her children'!! They must be bad, evil, imoral etc. It is perfectly ok for the man to leave the children with the mother in divorce. I think at the end of the day it always boils down to male ego. They cannot believe we left them (the husband) and will not admit to anyone ( especially themselves) their part in the downfall of the relationship. Men are much more able to use the children as weapons and ignore potential emotional trauma the child may experienc e. Women are much more bonded to the children in a way that makes it harder for them to use or want to use the children as pawns. Therefore we sacrifice our own happiness.

Children are not children for long. I believe when they grow up they will have the capacity to be analytical about their experiences and be able to look at their parents more objectively. As long as we always remain in their lives they will one day come to understand.

Hugs to all of you out their without their children.

Julie

[sasyLynn]

Does anyone know any mothers who have let their ex-partners have custody of the kids?
I am looking for women in their 20s, 30s or 40s, who have given up custody, to take part in a national newspaper article.
Perhaps they have been ill, have busy careers or for some other reason do not feel able to look after their children full-time. I would like to find mothers who believe they are doing the right thing for their kids by not having custody.
Many Thanks,

Lucy

when my ex and I got our divorce I left my kids with him for 2 reasons I knew at the time I couldnt take care of them i wasnt making much money and i wasnt in the right frame of mine at the time to take care of them he was suppose to stay in the same house they each had their own rooms my 9 year old daughter's bestfiend was going thro the same thing and he promised me that if i couldnt get to them he would get them to me as i moved to my mom's house a hour and a half a way needless did i know that was a huge lie my kids thought i had abandoned them and they soon didnt want to talk to me when my 6 year old turned 7 i picked him up for his bday and my new car had a car prob and he threatened me with kidnapping if i didnt get him back in time tho on that monday there was no school for it was a holiday so he came to pick up my son guess what my son over hear so my son never came with me any more
wasnt long after that i found out that i had bipolar and he told my kids that i had mental probles and then my kids stopped talking to me all together that was back in 2000 all this started back in 99 not sure if anyone can imagine how this feels I am so glad i found this site for someone who has gone thro something like this or even close to it thanks for *listening*......Lynn.oh yea wasnt long after we got out divorce in 99 that he walked away from the house another lie he never stayed in the house ......i have read some of the post and you have said you would never give u the kids but it was the best for them considering what was going on at the time but dont judge so many of us are in teh same situation but we really do love our children you can not imagine how much we do

[Momof4]

I had no idea that so many women were in the same situation. I too trusted my ex. I have 4 beautiful children, 3 girls and 1 boy, who I stay in constant contact with. My trouble started soon after my divorce when their father kept quitting and getting fired from his jobs, thus not paying me any child support. He was about $4,000 in arrears when I found out that he had gotten fired (because of going to court too much he said) again. Now I was working as a Pharmacy tech at a drug store chain making a little more than minimum wage, I brought home about 250 a week, daycare was 125 (that was with assistance) and that left me with 125 to pay a $700 rent, groceries, utilities, you get the idea... I had been on state assistance and they said that I made too much to get any help from them. My kids were crying, they were hungry and I had no food left in the house and I had planned on going shopping that afternoon with his support money. Then I find out no more support money. I called all of my family asking for help, no one could help me. Enter his mom into the picture, she always gave him everything that he wanted, always handing out cash etc. never favored my kids much over her other grandchildren though. After freaking out I told him he had to come get them, which he did and he said he would take them just until I got back on my feet. This was a very low point for me, but it got even lower when he took me into court and I had no money for an attorney and was in this bewildered state, he had a great attorney and got "primary residence" of the children. I still have joint custody but they live with him.

I wish (on a daily basis) that I could go back in time. I would have been at a soup kitchen or whatever I would have had to do to keep them away from him. He was abusive to me and now they are afraid all the time of what daddy will say or that he will get mad at them, I have called social services several times but they do nothing. In order to get custody back I would have to pay $1500 in an initial retainer for an attorney for the kids and then an attorney for me, which my new husband and I cannot afford. We take the kids in July and every other Christmas, we live 500 miles apart because it was so painful and he continues to try to control and abuse me and I had to get away from him. My husband, who is wonderful, has gotten me into counseling at the Naval hospital, but I struggle with this every day. I feel a sense of grief and loss every day, and it just doesn't go away. Even though I talk to them almost daily and they can't wait to see me as much as I can't wait to see them it isnt the same as hugging them and kissing them every day. I miss the smell of their hair after a shower, and just being there for them period.

I am told that they can choose where they want to live when they reach 13, and I hope that they choose me, though I don't get my hopes up because their dad makes more money than we do and can provide for them better, not to mention we live in a large city and they live in a nice little town.

If nothing else I have learned that we as women should not be JUST the happy housewives. We need to make our own path and get an education so that WE CAN support our children alone if need be. If I stress one thing to my girls it will be DO NOT get married until you find your way in life. My mistake was believing everything would end happily ever after and that we would never split up. Enter reality.

It has been painful putting this into words and this was just a brief glimpse into what happened in my situation. If anyone else in this situation wants to talk you can message me at navy_wife_2006@yahoo.com. I'd be happy to talk to someone who understands. Deb

[bev]

I too had to give up my children as I vitually had no money to feed them. My ex is very well off and for years has been turning the kids against me
i am not elidgible for legal aid, I own a car and make min. wage.
I am still paying off my lawyer, I cannot afford to fight anymore, it has been 4 years now.

[Abused bythe system]

I have 4 children, 1 that lives with my husband and I and 3 that reside with my parents, this is not by choice.

Nearly 3 years ago i had post natal depression after my fourth child was born, I asked my parents if they could assist my husband and I by looking after my 3 children for a short period. ( A matter of 3 weeks)

It is almost 3 years later and they have not returned to my care. My parents have lied to social services in order to keep my children from me. I am currently in the court process and my parents now have a residence order of my children which was supported and paid for by social services.

There is no evidence to support their claims that i am an unfit mother, but still they lie and so do the social services.
I am still in the court process as apparently my daughter has made a claim of sexual abuse against my husband. My husband is not my three older children's father and has had no unsupervised contact with my children and has had no contact with my children for a year, due to the allegation.

I believe my parents have made this allegation up to stop me from having my children returned as there is no legal reason for my children to be where they are. I very rarely have any contact with my children.

My daughter has been interviewed by the police in a video interview my daughter made no disclosures, my daughter is under the age of 6. Apparently my daughter claimed to a male babysitter that my husband had touched her inappropriately. Anyway in one court the social services have stated it was disclosed to one babysitter and now in my court case they are claiming it was two babysitters.

When the alleagtion firts came to par my husband moved out to protect himself from further allegations, a week later we had a meeting with social services, who informed my husband and his solicitors that he should move back in as my children are at risk from me and not him.

Does this make sense?

[momof4]

Hi, I'm Deb and something doesn't sound right there. I have been through the whole social services thing myself (just with him trying to make me look unfit, which did niot work). Like I said in an earlier post extortion worked for him.

1. What were they called for each time they came specifically, you need to figure that out so that you can figure out what the allegations are.=, and respond to each accordingly.

2. Do either of you have attorneys?

3. VERY Important -In which state do you live? Many states are still for the mother but I have found a couple states where it is the mothers right come first. It does also matter where the divorce decree was filed and custody set as well.

If you have any more questions please feel free to contact me, I've been throught a Lot and so if I can help you I will. You can reach me at navy_wife_2006@yahoo.com
Talk with you soon, Deb

[Abused by the system]

I live in the UK. I have my own website and I am a _ support worker supporting parents and families who have experienced problems with the local authourity. I also have my own forum within a forum.

I have had to sack one of my solicitors as he was being given back handers from social services.

This case has been going on for a year my parents got residence of my children Nov 2005 i am now still in court fighting for contact of my children.

I am also trying to get a specifics steps order to stop my children being baptised in to my parents religion as i believe it to be no more than a cult. (Mormons)

I don't know what to do anymore, my life is turned upside down, everyone is against me and I have done nothing wrong. I did what I thought was in the best interests for my children at that time.

My parents have not only taken my children, but are also trying to destroy what little happiness my husband and I have.

I do have a solicitor, but i am not completely convience that they are working in the best interests of my children or myself as a matter of fact.

I have been threatened by my own barrister and all sorts of horrible things.

There is nothing i can do to protect my children and no help out there, no where to turn and it doesn't get better it get worse.

[MayaMM]

I am not here to judge anyone , but I will just give my opinion about what I feel.
I would never just give my children to their father no matter what. I have lived wiht him and I know how he would parent and most men don't have a clue what to do. Just because he makes more money does not mean that he will do the right theng with the money and take care of the childrens needs.

I hate teh fact that I lost custody of my children just becaus my ex-spouse refuse to pay me child support and the children are used as pawns to him.

My ex-husband is not like some men that I would might consider giving my children to if I was deathly ill. I would still not give him my children.

My very chauvinistic ex snatched our young child. I am trying to start a debate about the nature of the fathers who apply for custody and obtain it everywhere in the world. I may be going on TV in one country next week,a female journalist wants to investigate the subject.Can you help as well?

[Mee]

MayaMM

I have been without my children for nearly a year now, not by choice. My ex took them last June and as it took so long to get to court it was ordered that the children stay where they are. I find this so hard to deal with, I did not give birth to these two beautiful babies, just to hand them over to a man that abused me. Seeing my children 3 weekends out of 4 and only being allowed to phone them when the judge said so, is completely wrong. If there is anything else you know of that I could do, I'd be most grateful. By the way, my 2 year old daughter is called Maya too

[silentlymoi]

nnbhj

[silentlymoi]

nnbhj

[silentlymoi]

nnbhj

[silentlymoi]

Dear May and all you other Mothers who are downtrodden by the overwhelming family courts not to mention the overbearing, abusive ex-partner!!

It sounds like it's not an easy ride right now for us sisters.

I too am going through a custody battle in order that I might have the permission to move 1 hour from the city, back to the country where I have family networks of support. The problem with this is that due to my practically sharing residence of my Daughter with my ex-partner ( he has 3 nights I have 4)since I left him in 2000, I have had to alter the contact agreement before moving( C1 specific issue order) and embark on independent litigation proceedings as, I apparently have too much disposable income. ( yeah right)

I would in your case May, try to do a bit of reasearch, ironically enough there is this website called www.familyneedsfathers.co.uk, it has some case sceanarios which might parallel yours and be helpful.

I had a crap time at the Cafcass meeting yesturday, My 7-year old Daughter attended, her Father too. Cafcass report due 22.5.06 and Hearing on the 7th June 2006, anxiously soldiering on.