Living with Mother in law!

[Pringles]

I'll keep this short -

I've been with bf for more than 3 years now. We are getting to the stage where we are thinking about getting married. There's no problem between our relationship whatsoever. However, I am expected to live with his mum - possibly my future mother in law. Being Asian, I fully understand this is my bf's duty and responsibility to look after her. My bf has an elder and younger sister so it's not up to them to look after her. She is not at an old age, she is in her late 40's therefore is managing the usual routine, shopping eating bla bla. She lost her husband a couple of years ago so is feeling lonely and needy. I do have my worries inside me, I am really scared she will expect me to do all sorts like taking her out and giving her attention and time. Also I think she wants the say in our wedding. I don't want a big wedding! It seems as though we are having to think about her feelings more than ours. I don't know should I give it a go or should I just leave it all as it may be not worth it. I am only 24 and I think I'll still want my own space and freedom, as well as having time with my bf! My bf is understanding and knows why I am worried but realistically there isn't anything he can really do. I am not asking him to choose because that wouldn't be fair. Any advice or suggestions would be great!

[sammie2173]

Hi Pringles!

When I read your post, I did feel a little sorry for you. The unfortunate thing about certain 'cultures' (as well you know) is that families expect their siblings to act in certain ways and marry certain people etc...

It seems a little odd that although he has both older and younger brothers and sisters, that he is expected to stay at home with his mother....?

I can understand that he wouldn't want to hurt her, but shurley he needs to put your feelings aside too? Has he spoken to his family about how you/he feels or just feels that it's best to carry on with the situation?

If this isn't tackled, as much as you love him - you 'could' end up being a little bitter and it may then in turn effect your relationship with your bf.

Have you spoken with your own parents about this?

Good luck, and I wish you both every happiness.

[Pringles]

Hi Sammie,

Thanks for the reply, much appreciated! I should have made it more clear, he is the only son in the family, but has 1 elder sister and 1 younger sister, so ultimately makes him responsibly for his mum. I fully understand the culture differences, and I respect my bf in being responsible as a son, however it doesn't mean it's something I can really live with, because we are talking a big risk here, my future and our future. I know it's a very big risk to take, and if it doesn't work out, the one that will get hurt is me. I have always been open about this with my bf, and only recently this is all out in the air with his family, so you can guess the mum is not happy. I don't think they can fully understand how difficult this position actually is, unless they experience it themselves. Because it's not them that has to live with a mother in law, they are always gonna think their mum is easy to get along with. I understand that my bf has no choice, because he promised to look after his mum, so really it is down to me to decide if I want to go ahead with it all. I have spoken to my own family and friends, every one of which have said it's going to be tough and for me being the only child, I may not cope. My parents would rather see me finding someone who has less things baggage and who can truly look after me as a husband and have a secure future. I know what you mean about having an effect to my relationship, I think if it wasn't for my bf for who he is, I wouldn't still be here.

Would welcome anymore comments...

[Kumi]

Hi Pringles,

Hmm....I feel really sorry for you after reading your post. I do feel sorry for your bf too.....he's in a difficult position.

I'm Asian in my early 40s(oh well...), and a mother of 2 children.
As I'm about your bf's mothers age, so let me tell you what I'm thinking about your trouble.
....personally, I really don't think your bf 'has to look after' his mother. In some Asian countries, the first son is often expected to live with his parents (or to live near his parents) after his marriage.....but this kind of custom has been changed gradually with lifestyles changing, hasn't it? Your bf has an elder and a younger sisters, so he's not the one who 'has to' look after his(their) mother, is he? I respect your bf for being responsible as a son, but it doesn't mean he(and you) is the only one who has to be responsible for the mother.

How's the relationship between his mother and his sisters? It could be difficult for the sisters to understand you and your bf's position if they're not married. Even though they try to understand your feelings, it must be difficult for them. I think they can't take the problem as serious as you and your bf do. But, you need to try...!...if you really really want to marry him.

The topic came out, so anyway you need to talk about it with your bf and his family, right? Does his mother 'really' expect you and your bf to live with her? In the same house? She's in her late 40s, and I'm sure she has a lot of things to do - then, maybe she doesn't mind your living somewhere else but close to her.....no?

As for me, I don't expect each of my sons to live with us(my husband and me) after their marriage at all......! My sons have their own lives, and when they get married I want them to think about their wives and families first. Don't you think it's possible for her to think that way?

Possibly she may find someone to love for the rest of her life, in the future! Who knows? If you lived with her, she would ask you to move out .... if she fell in love with someone and they got married!

Kumi

[Pringles]

Hi Kumi,

Thank you for your reply. I have noticed not many people actually reply to my thread... could be because it's a bit boring!

Anyway back to the topic. After reading your reply, I 'wish' my bf's mother in law is just as understanding as you are. She is very traditional, and the hardest thing of all she is very needy. I fully understand this tradition has changed, but this isn't the case for her. She has pretty much brought him up into thinking he has the responsibility to look after her and this she means live with her no matter who he marries. I think it is because she thinks highly of her son (Being asian as well, you can guess they treat sons far better!! But doesn't mean she don't love her daughters, it's just not as much). Therefore she wants to live with him. You are totally right in saying everyone has a responsibility in looking after his mum, but again it's this issue how she wants to live with him. She probably think because her eldest daughter is already married so not really responsible for her. However, his sister has said if things doesn't work out, she will have to live with her. There is no other choice really. But I don't want to push my bf and make him a bad son! Because I know he is not, he cares about his mum.

His sisters and mother gets on really well, in fact I would say they get on better than my bf and his mum. They will never truly understand the fear of living with a mother in law because they will never be in this position. This is why very often I am annoyed and frustrated. I ask myself why me, why do I have to be in this situation. That is why one part of me thinks I should just leave it all behind and start a new life. But that may mean loosing the love of my life. I also wonder why should I leave someone I love so much because of his mother insisting she has to live with us.

She really is expecting to live with her son and future daughter in law. She is young in my opinion, but she is not active. She don't have many friends and she hardly goes out. That makes her more needy. She refuses to make friends or be sociable so I don't think she wants a new partner. That ultimately means she would want all the attention in the world, something which I don't think my bf and I could give her if we are both needed to work full time for a better future together.

I am really confused and don't understand why no one understands my position. I do know one thing though, it is that I have to be selfish this time otherwise I could be risky our future. I don't want to go through something I am not 100% because I don't want to regret later on in life. I don't want to blame my bf if anything bad happens. I don't think it's making me like his mum though lol...

[sammie2173]

Hello miss!! It's me again!!

The only reason that many people haven't replied to your post is that they honestly dont really know what to say to you...

How could anybody offer advice when they haven't been in that situation themselves? On one hand we could say that you should leave your boyfriend as you will never truly be happy, but do we really know that?? It may be the fact that things work out just fine (although it may be a little tricky at first no doubt) - then of course on the other hand if we said 'stay' and work it out, would that be hypocrytical because I dont think that 'i' would be able to do it??!!

You seem like a very sensitive and caring person, but only 'you' can work out what is best.. Which ever route you choose to take it will have it's up's and downs. I wish you all the very best and am here to talk to if you need to whenever the going gets tough or you just need a friendly ear...

Take care..x

[Pringles]

thx sammie.

I do understand not many people could suggest any ideas with this mayhem situation. But it definitely lets me get something off my chest and sometimes it's good talking to people who I don't know and tell me their opinion.

Thanks anyway!